Wise Vulnerability

We hear a lot about vulnerability in leadership. And while it’s often with good intent, I’ve been finding that it’s missing necessary precision.

Leaders are told to “be vulnerable” to build trust, connection, and psychological safety. It's worthy guidance, but many of the leaders I work with feel stuck trying to translate that guidance into practice.

What does vulnerability actually look like at work? How much is too much? And why does it sometimes seem to make things worse rather than better?

Here’s the thinking that is helping me make sense of the confusion:

Vulnerability is inevitable.
Disclosure is a choice.
Regulation and discernment are essential.

Vulnerability is the internal experience of risk, which might include a sense of uncertainty, exposure, and not knowing how something will land. Leaders don’t choose whether they feel vulnerable. It comes with responsibility, decision-making, visibility, and power. If you’re leading, vulnerability will show up.

What leaders do have choice over is disclosure.

Disclosure is a behavior. It’s the act of sharing information, such as thinking processes, stories, emotions, and personal context. When it comes to disclosure, what’s helpful in one setting can be destabilizing in another. It's always contextual. It's possible to disclose a great deal without actually feeling vulnerable at all, and it's possible to feel deeply vulnerable without disclosing anything.

This distinction matters because when vulnerability and disclosure get conflated, leaders can end up unknowingly oversharing in ways that feel honest in the moment but offload or discharge emotional weight onto others.

This is where a pause to regulate and discern becomes the often-missing bridge leaders need.

I've gathered three questions you can turn to in this pause to discern how to right-size your disclosure and hold the experience of vulnerability.

Where am I on the continuum from wound to scar?
Metaphorically, a "wound" is something that is still quite raw and unprocessed, whereas a "scar" is something that you've processed and experience a sense of insight or distance from.

What is the context of trust?
Trust is a function of power, culture, relationships, and psychological contract. The amount of vulnerability to expose and what information to disclose will change as you move along the continuum of trust. What builds trust with a peer might erode psychological safety with your direct reports.

What’s my purpose for sharing right now?
Am I sharing to clarify, normalize, or model learning — or to offload, discharge, or seek relief? What impact, outcome, or result will tell me this was successful?

Bottom line: vulnerability in leadership isn’t necessarily about revealing more. It’s about noticing what feels at risk and choosing how to respond so that the team feels clearer, steadier, and in alignment with its purpose and shared values.

That’s wise vulnerability.