Holding expectations with care
A few weeks ago, I invited the recipients of my weekly emails to “Ask Me Anything” in a reader survey.
I fooled myself with this invitation; I assumed I’d get straightforward questions to which I would offer straightforward answers. But that’s rarely the case in leadership, is it? What came through was a snapshot of the range of real-world situations that leaders walk through – an ongoing dance between ideals and reality, plans and constraints.
Between that and the fact that I don’t have some necessary context for the questions, I realized it would be a disservice to provide prescriptive answers and advice. Instead, I’m responding with an exploration of the elements at play and ways to think about navigating the complexities.
In this post, we're addressing a common function for teams and leaders everywhere: onboarding a new employee.
It’s a moment that’s often met with both relief and renewed pressure. By the time a new hire starts, you’ve likely needed an extra set of hands for months. The team’s been stretched, critical work has sat untouched—and while you want to exhale, you realize there’s still a long ramp ahead.
I imagine that's why a reader recently asked:
“Even though they’re new, what’s fair to expect from a new hire—and how can I enable action and accountability?”
Let's begin by orienting ourselves to the terrain around this question.
The topics are performance and contribution – ultimately the point of work, right?
Perhaps, but our culture, traditions, and company processes have boxed in “performance” such that we unthinkingly pin the weight of it on one individual.
The truth is, performance is rarely just about one person’s capabilities or actions. It’s influenced by a web of interconnected factors: how well expectations have been communicated, how clearly the role has been defined, the level of enablement and trust, the presence (or absence) of psychological safety, access to resources, the functionality of systems and processes, and the dynamics of relationships, communication styles, and team norms.
All of these shape how someone shows up and what they’re able to contribute.
Performance doesn’t exist in isolation—it emerges from the environment. And how you're thinking is part of that environment.
The biggest challenge, then, becomes staying open enough to engage fully in a process of co-creating clarity, connection, and purpose.
So how do you balance the urgency of what needs doing with appreciation for diverse learning processes? You may be feeling this as tension between being a supportive leader and a results-driven one; or a belief that you have to choose being likeable and setting the necessary high expectations.
One path through is to reorient around a possibility that these tensions don’t have to sit at opposite ends of a spectrum, and instead experiment with ways for them to intersect.
That's not easy, but it is possible.
Here are a few waypoints for bringing fairness and empathy together with action and outcomes.
Lean Into It: There’s a short window where your new team member can still see the water they’ve just jumped into, whereas the rest of the fish aren't aware of it. What if, instead of rushing them to assimilate, you asked what they’re noticing? What’s confusing, redundant, unspoken? Their perspective might expose the very friction that’s slowing them (and others) down.
Clarity: One of the mantras I was taught in HR is, "If it matters, put it in writing." Make explicit not just what needs to be done, but why it matters. Ironically, this process may challenge you to get more clear, or even question what you assumed as an expectation. Your goal is to be able to describe what good looks like, what great looks like, and what it looks like when someone is still learning. This gives your new hire a meaningful target, and it gives you both a shared reference point for honest conversations down the line. Speaking of...
Candor: Create space to explore openly and communicate with care. This might sound like asking, “What do you believe needs to be addressed?”—inviting their perspective into the conversation. Then, when you see moments of alignment, catch them in the act. Sincere and specific praise builds confidence and reinforces the behaviors you want to see.
Rewrite Accountability as Agreements: This little word swap might just unleash something. To enable accountability, consider how you can collaborate to come up with an agreement about what needs to be done, the timeline, and how you'll stay in touch about it. This is a two-way conversation rather than a one-way expectation, and it's more likely you'll come out on the same page.
Plan the Development: Make the ramp-up visible. What strengths are they already bringing? Where are the gaps? What’s needed to close them? You can co-create a simple development plan using the clarity you’ve already laid down, and it becomes a valuable guide and reflection point that you both can come back to.
Orchestrate Connections: Their success isn’t only on your shoulders. You’re an integral guide, yes—and also a bridge. What connections can you initiate to help them succeed? Think of it as pairing them with people who can illuminate specific parts of the terrain. Be clear about the why behind those introductions so they see the value right away.
And finally, gently, sometimes what makes this question feel urgent is a quiet fear underneath it.
If this person isn’t succeeding, does that mean I’m a bad manager or not cut out for leadership?
Leadership carries weight. But, as clearly illustrated by how long this email became, performance is never just about one person. It’s shaped by expectations, relationships, systems, timing, and support. You’re not here to have all the answers. You’re here to stay in the work, stay curious, and keep creating the conditions where success can take root.
And if, after all that, things still aren’t working, it doesn’t automatically mean the hire was a mistake or that you’ve failed. It may simply mean that something essential is misaligned. That, too, is a moment for clarity, candor, and compassion—for them, and for yourself.